MiMi is 4

I got a photo Christmas card from my long time friend Sara. Almost three years ago Sara and her husband went to Kazakhstan to adopt a little girl and they came home with Karima, nicknamed MiMi.

Three years ago. Hmmm. I can't believe that three years has passed since I received the call to get ready to bring home my daughter. I went shopping. I bought cute little girl clothes in size 3 and 4 T. I found a set of toilet tissue girl prints on eBay just like the ones that adorned my walls when I was a girl. I found a little quilt with small pink rosebuds on Overstock. I filled two suitcases with clothes and gifts to distribute to the children in the orphanage in Kazakhstan.

Then I got a call from the agency which asked if I'd be willing to accept a boy or girl. I went out again and bought some little boy clothes. I could always change the quilt and trade the toilet tissue girls for pictures of puppies or trains.

I continued to practice my Russian phrases. "ya hot syla buy ah main yah drug eye yah comb nit ah" I'd repeat. "I'd like a less expensive room." "Good zee ya bureau pahg main ah va loot ee yah?" "Where is the currency exchange office." "Good zee ya vahg zow?" "Where is the train station?"

When I tightened my lap belt and finished listening to the flight attendant tell me to put on my oxygen mask before assisting others, I settled down enough to actually BELIEVE I had done it. I was finally going to be a mom. I had gotten through all the paperwork. I was approved. The coordinator had identified children at an orphanage. I was going to meet my child. Until, like Humpty Dumpty, it all came tumbling down.

And my heart was broken. Shattered into a million tiny little pieces that I'm still struggling to collect.

The flight home was long. On board were three couples with their new children. I watched as if I wasn't really there. The parents traveling for the first time with a new little one. Juggling the documents, the child, the toys, the bottles, the blankets. I smiled trying to share their joy. Playing peek-a-boo with the round faced, brown eyed, 14-month-old across the aisle as her red-headed, freckle faced, blue eyed parents, fussed all over her. Excited to be bringing their new little lass back to Ireland.

Shortly afterward Sara and Al headed to Kazakhstan to meet Karima. All went well through their process. Luck of the agency draw, I guess. I'm thrilled for them and can't believe how quickly time has gone by and how big MiMi has become.

And I wonder, will this aching in my heart ever go away?