Conquering

29 years ago my roommate and I drove from Lansing to Birmingham to see the play "Do Black Patent Leather Shoes Really Reflect Up?" It was a musical, parody that poked fun at growing up going to Catholic schools. I went to public school. Mary was Episcopalian but apparently that was close enough for her to relate to the show.

I've not thought of that show in decades, literally. Frankly, the fact that I can say I've not thought of the show in decades is frightening in and of itself.

Recently from deep within the grey matter came roaring a song title from the show. I can't remember all the lyrics. I can remember the character. Standing in her pleated skirt with her ankle socks and plain leather Mary Janes. The little girl was often shunned by her classmates. Her solo song - "Does God love little fat girls too?"

I was scanning old family photos this weekend. I scanned my favorite photo of myself. It was taken when I was twelve. I looked older. Not to be egotistical, but it's a very beautiful photo. I was a very beautiful girl. Yet, like so many tweens and teen girls, I thought of myself as hideous and extremely fat. Looking at that picture I can't understand how I could've possibly perceived of myself as fat.

Then I realize it wasn't originally my obsession. It came from my parents. My mom had gone through a phase as a young girl where she was chubby. I did too. In the second and third grade I stopped growing tall and grew round. And, I started developing just before the fourth grade. I also shot up about 4 inches and the chubby parts migrated to my chest and hips. I was no longer chubby. I was certainly NOT fat. I was, however, curvy with breasts while the great majority of the girls my age were shorter, had no hips, and no breasts until well into Jr. High or High School. That, in my mind translated into me being fat. And my parents started obsessing. Putting me on this or that diet. Always monitoring what went on my plate and beyond.

Their obsession became my shame. Now that I'm an adult I can see this. I've seen and understood this for years. So, why is it that I can't conquer this. Why have I let it conquer me? Why is it that over the years I've become what has been projected upon me? Why is it that I can be some damned stubborn about so many things, focusing so hard and being so determined that I achieve more than I had ever thought possible yet, I still ride the roller coaster of weight loss that I've been riding since college?

Sometimes I wonder if God loves little fat girls too? Sometimes I wonder if I love the little fat girl that lives inside me?