Conversations in my head

Once more I find myself wanting to write. The subject, of course, being you.

You see I walk around all day long having conversations in my head. I'm not sure that others do this, but continually from the moment I awake to long after I go to bed the voices are there, talking, confessing, expressing, saying things that aren't easy to say outside of the confines of my mind.

You're there, in my mind and I talk with you. You don't answer. Fuel for debate. What would she think if I really told her this? How would she respond? Would this change the way she is around me? Will she think I'm foolish, young, over the edge?

So I continue speaking with my mouth closed, in silence as I go about my daily routine; driving to work, doing the dishes, shopping, laundry.

And often when the words have become too many and my mind begins to feel burdened, I'll sit down and open the gates and let the words flow from my mind to paper. I clear the way for more conversations. I let it out. I write it down and I fold the papers and quietly file them away.

Sometimes when I'm feeling brave and not too vulnerable, I let others read them. I let them in on those private conversations between my selves and I sit nervously, silently, waiting. What do they think? How will they respond? Will they behave differently around me? Will they think I'm foolish, young, over the edge?

Many have asked if you know how I feel. "Of course not," I tell them. I wouldn't know where to begin. I think I'd open my mouth and nothing would happen. I speak best in my mind. Somehow the thoughts don't translate into words. A strange disorder that causes the meaning to change once out of thought and vocalized.

They tell me to share. You might appreciate knowing how much I care for you, how I hold you in such high regard and how much I'll miss you when you're gone. Of course I've thought about taking their advice. Actually I've had long discussions into the wee hours of the night, in my head, about this. Yet there we'll be lingering over a glass of wine and no words come out even though I'm saying so much. You can't hear me.

When I look at you I'm telling you how beautiful you are, how I enjoy your laughter, your smile. I tell you how comfortable I feel when I'm around you, how special you make me feel. I'm telling you how I'd do anything for you and that you can trust me, I'll always be around when you need me. I'm telling you how much I want to feel your arms around me, how much I want to hold your hand and kiss you. Can't you hear it in my smile? In my eyes?

You don't hear it in my silence but I hear it all, all the time, night and day, conversations in my head.