You didn't say anything. I watched you. I wondered what you were thinking. Sometimes when we're together I feel as if there are no other people on earth except you and me. Sometimes I feel as if I'm not really there. At that moment I felt invisible. You were in your own space, your own world. One I couldn't enter.
I too was lost in thought as my eyes traveled from your eyes to your nose, your lips, across the curve of your neck and shoulders down your arms to your fingers which now rested upon the base of the wine glass. I thought of reaching out and taking your hand in mine. I thought of drawing your hand to my lips, kissing it softly and pressing it to my cheek.
You looked up, gave me a sad smile and told me how delicious the meal was. You then added softly, "I don't know what I'm going to cook for John. I would love this but he would hate it."
You were again looking down. Again in that world of yours. I wanted so badly to be able to find a response to your statement. But I didn't really have one. I was silent. I wondered if you were really asking "Why am I moving? Will I be OK? Am I doing the right thing?"
I didn't have the answers.
I wanted to ask you if you were scared. I wanted to tell you it would be alright, but how could I when I wasn't really sure.
We finished dinner. I suggested a movie. You mulled it over, going through your agenda making sure that you could afford to do nothing for a few more hours. There was so much to do, so much to take care of and time was running out.
We went to the store, picked out a movie, came back and headed up to the TV room to watch it. You sat in the rocker. I was disappointed. I wanted you to sit next to me just in case I decided to take your hand as I had thought of doing earlier during dinner.
You watched the movie. I watched you. You seemed tired. You seemed sad. You tried to get the cat to come sit on your lap and when he chose mine, I felt guilty. I wanted to whisper in his ear, "Go to her, Bud. She needs you right now." He kneaded my thigh, walked around and settled in. You turned back toward the TV screen.
At one point you went to the bathroom. I stopped the movie. When you returned, you sat down beside me. This made me happy. You pet the cat and we continued watching the movie. I continued watching you.
You had your hand upon the back of your neck, giving yourself a massage. Your head was tilted back and your eyes were closed. "Tired?" I asked. My voice seemed so loud in the quiet room. "Yes," you looked at me with those grey, blue eyes. I reached over and rubbed your back. You gave me a small smile as if even that was an effort. "Now would be a good time for an ice cream break."
"I'll go get it," I replied as I headed down the stairs. I scooped out the rich dark chocolate, grabbed two spoons and headed back up. I gave you a bowl and sat down a little closer to you. I turned toward you and told you how good the ice cream was. You had made it at my request. You had made ice cream for our last dinner too. Who'll make me ice cream when you're gone?
The movie ended. It ran a little longer than either of us had expected. You stretched and turned toward me. It was the cat you were after. Or was it? You bent down and whispered into his ears. You scratched his head and caressed him. "Secret messages, Bud. I'm jealous." You looked up at me as you tenderly kissed his whiskers, his nose. Some of your hair fell softly in your eyes, I reached out and brushed it back and then stroked your cheek.
The movie stopped rewinding and we got up. You picked up the empty ice cream bowls and headed downstairs as I put the tape back in its case. I followed you to the kitchen. "Thanks for dinner," you said.
"Thanks for having dinner with me," I responded as I put my arms around you. We hugged. We hugged tightly. I wanted to kiss you. We held each other loosely as I looked into your eyes. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't do anything. You looked at me expecting me to say something. I just smiled. We headed toward the door.
I stood on the porch as you got into your car. I waved as you drove away then I stepped inside and slowly closed the door.
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