Old Writings

I could barely breathe as we lay together on the floor in the darkness, the silence. My head was spinning and my limbs were numb. I felt as if I didn't control my thoughts, couldn't control my movements. I was reaching out for your hand yet my hand stayed still paralyzed by doubts.

I wanted to say something but I had no words. I had no voice. So I looked at you as you looked at me and I smiled and looked away.

I pet the dog. You pet the dog. We caressed each other's hands as we both pet the dog. I couldn't just take your hand. You didn't just take mine. Was the dog an excuse, a way to touch without risk? Without having to reveal what we were thinking or wanting? Was I the only one wanting?

I didn't want to leave. It was getting late. I wanted the night to continue. I wanted to lay on the floor, touching your hand, listening to you breathe quietly in the darkness. I wanted to continue gazing upon you, searching the soft lights and shadows cast upon your face, your arms, the dip of your waist and the rise of your hips. I wanted to remain as we were forever. But we slowly got up. Still silent. We looked at each other in the darkness. We found each others eyes and both quickly glanced away. Perhaps we didn't want to see what we thought the other felt. Perhaps it was too real. What would we do if we saw something there that we weren't yet ready to handle?


So you walked me to my car. We spoke in hushed tones. I put my packages on the passenger seat, closed the door and turned to you. We embraced. Your arms slowly wrapped around my middle and you drew me tightly to you. I pulled you to me. And for fear of losing the night I pulled you in some more. You were turned toward me, your chin upon my shoulder, your face partially buried in the nape of my neck. I traced you neck with my lips and whispered in your ear, "I so enjoy being with you." You squeezed me a bit more tightly and whispered, "I will really miss you when I'm gone." I let out a slow, uneven sigh, stumbling over my thoughts, my desire. I ached to kiss you. I let my fingers run through your hair and neither of us let go. Time froze for a moment that lasted forever and only a second and I looked into your eyes, still holding on and said nothing.


Gradually our arms grew slack and slowly fell to our sides and we said good night. I got into my car and drove away watching you as you watched me, thinking that as long as I could still see you, I would still be there with you even though I wasn't.